Stop Please

Stop the texts

Stop the emails

Stop the phone calls

Stop the showings

Stop the open houses

Stop the assignments

Stop the tasks

Stop the errands

I am not complaining.  I am just letting you know my head is swimming.  Right now I want to finish what I have agreed to before I take anything else on. And just now the phone is ringing again, one moment. . . sure I can take dinner to a neighbor.

I want to find 2 hours to
spend in my yard, getting it ready for the summers.

clean out my car

call and catch up with my friends

take a bubble bath

have time to shave my legs

make cinnamon rolls.

Yeah, just jinxed myself got a text to work an extra 16 hours this week.  That thumping is my head hitting the wall.

I just have to remind myself:

"And the shitty thing is I will live through this."

W H Y ?

What if you got the chance to get your WHY question answered, completely and to your understanding, but it would only be one question.  Which would it be?


W H Y?
don't I crave spinach like I crave chocolate?
do people bug me?
can't I be nice to the people who bug me?
doesn't Charlee sleep for 12 hours?
are some people empty vessels, that need acceptance, get acceptance, but are still unfilled?
can't I keep up on my home the way I expect too?
can't I keep in touch with the people I want to?
do I get mad at my husband for things that are not his fault?
does it cost so much to live?
do we work too much, watch every penny and don't feel like we are getting ahead?
are people so nosy?
can't I ask someone for help when I need it?
do 49% of unplanned pregnancies to single women between the ages of 18 and 40 end in abortion and less than 1% end in adoption?
do I want to sell all my baby things and move to the next phase?
can't my car stay clean for just 2 days in a row?
doesn't my body adjust better to a low calorie diet?
am I afraid of showing my tender thoughts?
can't I just be grateful for all I have and enjoy?


Answers anyone?  Oh that's right these are my problems I get a lifetime to work on, and either I will figure them out or I will move on.

\ˈgilt\

Definition of GUILT

1

: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly : guilty conduct

2

a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously

b : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self reproach

3

: a feeling of culpability for offenses

This word is too much a part of my life.  Everywhere I look, or go I feel the GUILT.  Uggh!  I can't tell you how much I hate this.  Well I am done with this!  GUILT is not my friend, and I really don't have time or energy to have it in my life.

Before I can get rid of GUILT, I have to get rid of PERFECTIONISM.  If I didn't have an unhealthy belief in perfectionism, GUILT wouldn't hang around me.

Sure I could list here the things that are weighing on my mind that are causing me GUILT, but really what good would that do?

So here I will just put my apology.  To all those who I have let down, who are waiting for me or wanting something for me, who I have let down or disappointed.  I am deeply sorry. I am sorry I couldn't live up to your expectations. I am sorry I let you down.

GUILT won't leave me if I keep feeding it.  NO MORE.  I will do what I can.  I will do what is reasonable and leave the craziness of being perfect alone.

One step at a time, one task at a time I will move forward.  I will get where I need to be, but it will be slower and it will NOT be PERFECT.  I have kicked GUILT out of my car, I am picking up my friend JOY.

EnJOYing the moments!

The B.S. of 2010

Remember when I told you about the Rules of Busy Season way back when. Well, the only thing that has changed, is his newest intern.

She might already be typing faster then him.

Well here we are in the middle of what I like to call B.S. (busy season) 2010. Karst is working, working, working and I am missing him more everyday. However, Karst does try to make it home in time to hold Charlee to sleep. Once she goes to sleep, he is back to work at the kitchen counter.

Even though Karst works for a C.P.A. firm, he does not do taxes. He helps out the tax guys in his office when he can, but really what he has spent more than 70 hours a week doing is audits. There are deadlines for these audits to be done, and that is why the pressure is on and the clock is ticking. Its a good thing, it only lasts 5 months, because if it went any longer we would both be in the padded room.

So I just wanted my two faithful blog readers, who were concerned about how we were surveing the B.S., that we are doing good. We keep Karst in the loop by sending him pictures throughout the day. Like this one.

And Charlee has discovered 5 Guys Fries, for dinner. . .

this could be a BS tradition.

To all you Public Accountant Widowers this time of year, together we can survive. We should get together with our favorite ice-cream or brownies in a park, let the kiddies play while we share stories. Suggestions? Saturday April 10th about 2 p.m.?

Time to Unplug

You know change is good, but not easy. Inevitable, but not always in your control.

A major thing that changed in my life was my socializing. Last week, I went to a movie with a friend from my previous job. We had fun, we laughed, but I all of a sudden felt so out of it. Do you know what I mean? I felt totally out of any loop, I felt like I couldn't carry on a normal conversation to save my life.

The previous week, I realized that 4 of the days, Karst was the only adult I talked to or saw. I only left my house 2 times that week.

These are all shocking things to see, because this is not who I am. Before I was on the go. No one ever caught me at home. This is another HUGE change in my life.

The shocking thing, my days don't feel empty. At night I go to bed exhausted. I feel challenged to try and stay on top of my obligations. I get to watch Charlee grow and learn. I lose track of time when we are playing on the floor. Hours go by without me noticing.

A while ago, Charlee started to get really whiney and it seemed we were having lots of bad days. So out of desperation, one day, to get her calmed, I dropped everything I was doing and read her a book. It was then that she calmed down and the power struggle seemed over. It was then that I realized the reason for the chaos was because she was feeling pushed aside.

I realized I have another 70 years to do and accomplish all the things I want to do, but only a couple of years to spend with Charlee, before she is too independent and doing her own thing. I waited too long, I love her too much, I don't want to miss anything. I don't want her to think that mommies only read to you before bed, that they spend time on the computer rather than playing with you. She has to know that she is more important to me than "stuff".

It was the light bulb going off, telling me this is her REAL life, this is her REAL day, and I can't be be holding her back. If the weather wasn't so yucky we would be outside more. We have been doing and discovering things around the house. We defiantly need to get out of the house and do more things.

As you have probably noticed I spend way less time on the computer. I am so behind with my blog reading, it is embarrassing. My emails are beyond out of control. To you all, I am sorry, please don't think I am rude, I just have needed to unplug for a while. For myself, I have decided I will not choose to be on the computer when Charlee is awake. I hope you understand. I hope I still find a loop to be in. But if you are looking for something to do, or need to get out of the house yourself, let me know. I have tons of ideas!! I am so excited. I will try to share them with you.

Christmas Crazy

Let me tell you what is making me crazy now, I spent way too much money on some handmade hair bows for Charlee. Now that I am getting everything packed up for Wyoming, I go to find them and they are not there. There are not anywhere I can think of, and I don't have time to go through every drawer and cupboard in the house and it makes me so crazy!!

This year for the first time in 10 years we did a real tree, it was fun. We bought it, Karst put it up, then he left for Phoenix and I moved the furniture in the living room, decorated the tree and the house and got ready for Christmas. A week later the branches were sagging and the needles were dropping. And yes we did water it. All that work and it only lasted a week. So then I got to take it down with Charlee's help. There is a artificial tree in a box in my basement that I could put up, but decorating one tree a year is enough for me.

Oh, well there is always next year.

I miss posting on my blog, I need more time in the day and more hands to get things done. I will start now on next years nice Christmas message and share it with you then!!

Here is Charlee staying away from the craziness.

Messes

All of a sudden, my life seems to be about cleaning up messes. And most of them are mine, not hers, but its all fun for her. So we pause now to clean up, I'll be back with all sorts of great stories and pictures or something. Hopefully sooner than later.

Borken Record

I feel like a broken record saying this, because I am sure I told you this too many times. But I am so behind with everything. I would leave you a list of everything I am behind on, but that would take time away from the list. Why does this keep happening and When am I going to fix it?

Things I have learned in the last 2 weeks

#1 Do NOT lock your keys in your car, especially if Charlee is still in there

#2 Not every bowl I own is microwave safe, and that smell may never leave my kitchen

#3 Just because Charlee has never rolled off the bed, doesn't mean she won't when you turn your head

#4  Do not mix up the hair color bowls when doing a color weave

#5  Make sure the vacuum bag is on correctly before you vacuum for two weeks & have to clean up that mess

#6 Do not touch the flat iron with just your thumb, it will hurt for a long time

#7 Do not try to walk around your bedroom in the dark, you will fall into the hamper and have bruises to prove it

# 8 Do not leave your cell phone on the back of your car and drive away

I can't wait for this next week, it should be fun.

Mother vs. Woman with Children

I came across an ad campaign that was for "Woman with Children", not mothers.  

And now I am a little upset, why would someone who is a "mother" not want that title?  Why wouldn't you want to be a "Mother" why would you prefer "Woman with Children"?  Please enlighten me.

From my point of view, an infertile woman who never knew if I would get the chance to be mother, I want everyone to know I am a mother, it is one of the many hats I wear, along with Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend, Professional, Stylist, and Consumer.  Motherhood is a career, a duty, a lot of responsibility. So why would I ever want to hear it as something less.

"Woman with Children" sounds like an accessory, like "Woman with House", seriously.  My daughter is not an accessory she is my responsibility.  My daughter and future children are not in my life because I wanted to add to my portfolio, to make me appear successful or more well rounded or as a step on some ladder.

I choose to be a mother because I wanted the chance to teach my children, to learn from them.  I choose to be unselfish and to give tons of time for many years to help my children.  The time period between learning of my infertility and the placement of Charlee in my home, I had lots of time to think about being a mother and if this was something I wanted to become, not just something to check off the to do list.  It was something I desired from within, something I needed for me.

Being a mother is more than buying kids things, it is more than putting them to bed, and getting them to the right activities at the right time.  I wanted to have the experience of helping my children discover who they are,what they want to do and how I can help them get there.  I want to provide stability and to be a source of unwavering love and support.  Sure Charlee is only 5 months old, but that doesn't mean my life hasn't changed and I have taken this lightly.

So to you marketing/advertising people who want my dollar and want me to love your product and spread your word you better recognize me as a mother and a woman all wrapped up in one, but if you want to sell to "Women with Children" and not to "Mothers" I will take take my money elsewhere.

Survival

Let me tell you about my world for the last month, here is what we did and suggestions on what we would have done different.  When we started this roller coaster we had no idea how to help Charlee the best.  So here are the things we have discovered along the way, but we probably aren't done.  If you have any suggestions or know someone who has had a similar experience please share with me, we are scratching our heads.

HOSPITAL:

When we went from the doctors office by ambulance to Primary Children's Medical Center (PCMC), I was shocked and in denial.  Karst asked me what I wanted him to pack and I drew a blank.  He was a life saver and did great, but now I have a packing list in my planner so if it happens again I will have my chapstick, water bottle and calling card, (cell phones don't work too well at PCMC and you can't call long distance.)

One thing that worked out well was having the IV in her foot, she likes to be swaddled when she is sleeping and was just starting to use her hands.  When the IV was in her hand she noticed it more, the foot was the best.

Although, they do have blankets you can use for your babies, she did a lot better with the ones from our home she slept better.  Another thing that helped was we asked the nurse how she was doing with wet diapers, as a sign she wasn't dehydrated, so when they were on the light side we woke her up fed her got what we needed and avoided more IV's.  This helped so much in getting her home quickly.  

I felt bad that she was in the hospital and not at home so I wanted to hold her to help comfort her, but she slept better and breathed better when she was laying in the bed they made.  So when we got home we made up her bed up exactly the same and she slept better then she had in weeks.

SLEEPING/LIVING:

We got out the pack and play, put in the bassinet part, elevated about 45 degree's the top part with a pillow.

Then we used a flannel sheet over the bottom board (like they did), and took a sheet and rolled it and put into a U shape.  This worked so good at holding her in place while she slept or was awake, I think it made her feel like she was being held.

I forgot to take a picture, but we put one of the head supports at the top and then covered with a blanket. (flannel works the best to keep from sliding.) This is all tucked in tightly under the bottom board thing.

I kept her sleepers and onesies right on the side, too many clothes changes throughout the day to keep track. and we moved the changing part of her pack in play to the outside, attached a mobile and made this central station for her.  

This has worked out great day or night everything she needs is right there.  Also we have the humidifier right over the bed, so she got as much of the vapors that she needed.  

If Charlee starts coughing she will easily get out of breath and turn red or choke, so we have to roll her on her side or stomach and sometimes tap her back, because of this we are always within arms length of her and  have all been sleeping in the living room, so night or day we are right there. 

 We've learned how to live together in 1/4 of the space we own.  I guess you could say we are a close family now.

CLOTHES

One of my favorite things that helps is onesies that snap up the front we found some at walmart and babys r us , so I don't have to pull them over her head with the oxygen.  However they were hard to find.  Karst went and found her some more, (not a fan of shopping so you know its love.)

When she was first sick she was going to the doctors every day and whenever she was congested we would have to go get her airway suctioned. 

Having her always wearing snapped onesies and sleepers meant she was always ready to head out the door and I wouldn't have to undress her at the doctors office they could just unsnap and watch for retractions, and listen to her lungs.

FOLLOW UP DOCTOR VISITS/SUCTIONING AIRWAY

Another great thing that helped was the hospital made what they called "Suction Shack", this was for kids and babies with RSV or Bronchiolitis could get a prescription from there doctor and go to a respiratory therapist to have there airway cleared out.  This was available with any IHC hospital.  I tried going to another location besides PCMC and they were not as efficient or gentle.  It was worth the extra 15 minute drive to get it done fast and good. 

So when Charlee would get congested, have a hard time breathing or eating I would load her into the car, call the respiratory clinic at PMCH let them know we'd be there in 30 minutes and I would meet them at the "Suction Shack."  Day or night anytime I could take her there, once they had the prescription, we didn't have to wait in the ER, no registration and she didn't have to be checked out by another doctor it was just taken care of then.  This is how I learned that from my garage to the second row parking at PCMC is 22.2 miles and it takes 29 minutes from my front door to their door.  I slept in my clothes and kept everything ready to go so when I needed to take her we could be out the door in 5 minutes.

The therapist would put her on the monitor to see her heart rate and oxygen level, listen to her lungs, count her breathing.  Then I would swaddle her, they would put saline down her nose, followed by a small catheter and would suction the  mucus out of her airway.  Not a fun experience, I hated watching her face and holding her down but they would get so much mucus and she would breath better after so we did it.  This suction shack or suction clinic was one of the best things.  She was also seeing her pediatrician everyday and they would suction her airway but the medical assistants at the pediatricians office were not were as good as the respiratory therapists. 

For 3 weeks we did this, until her congestion was no longer in her nose but more in her lungs.  I would ask the therapist tons of questions and ideas on how to clear this up and what to do.  The answer was always, keep doing the bulb syringe, saline,  humidifier and make sure she is eating a lot.  Almost all of them said that she should be cleared up at 2 weeks, 3 weeks at the longest, and she was still struggling I knew more was going on, so we went back to the ER for more tests and x ray's last week.   

HOME CARE:

Well like I mentioned we had Charlee always by the humidifier.

Also we took her temperature all the time, I found the Vicks digital thermometer the best, because even if you were too tired to read or it was too dark to see the numbers it shows you by color if she is good (green), low fever (orange), high fever (red).  Plus it would read in about 8 seconds.

Saline and Bulb syringe.  There are different angles and ways to hold the syringe to use it best for your baby.  I didn't know this until a medical assistant showed me, so ask them to show you what works for your baby so you don't waste your time and the babies tears.  The "Little Noses" Saline was the best we found, because you could use it as drops or spray and it seemed to irritate her less.

OXYGEN:

When they asked us if we'd be okay taking her home on oxygen, I thought yeah what's the problem she's been good with the tubing.  But 20 minutes later when they called and asked which supplier we wanted to use, what kind of oxygen I wondered what we were in for.  And then when they wheeled in the tank and showed us how to use it and went over all the don'ts I was worried about it.  However after dealing with it for 4 weeks, it really isn't that big of a deal.  

The oxygen supplier had lots of good information, it just took me a week to figure out how to ask the questions, but they could tell us how long the tanks last by the oxygen flow.  They could supply me with extra nasal cannula (tubing), and tender grips (face stickies), how often to change them and how to change them.  When we left the hospital, they assumed she would be off her oxygen in 2 days, I am sure if they would have thought it would have gone on this long they would have given us more details about how to take care of it.  

But now we have it figured out, we place our order once a week and they deliver the oxygen to our home and even put it away.  We are going with Praxair and they have provided great service.

The stroller is the best for going places with Charlee because it is hard to carry her, the diaper bag and the oxygen.  Having it all together and not tripping over the tubbing is a great thing.  It is a little big and bulky, but we're getting used to it.

NEXT??

What is ahead for Charlee to get better?  That is the question.  She has finished her antibiotics, they are waiting a week for that to totally kick in  and then in April we'll be back with the pulmonary doctor working to get her off the oxygen.  If she can't do it yet, we start steroids. What an education this has been.  

Again if you have any suggestions or you or some one you know has had a similar experience please share with us.  The good thing is she is slowly getting better and it isn't really as bad as it sounds.

And she is still her cute happy little self.

I wish I could be bored again . . .

Remember the good old days when you got to complain to your mom that you were bored?  Sure she'd tell you to do something that was worse then being bored, like cleaning your room or folding laundry.

Oh, how I miss those good ole' boring days.  How come the older you get the harder it is to just be bored?

Don'tcha hate it when . . .

Don't you hate it when you think you are good friends, then find out you weren't invited to the party?  Why? Why? Why does it make you feel like you are 9 years old watching people going to the party without you?  You feel socially retarded and wonder what world you are living in to not see the signs?  I guess no matter how old you are when your left out it still hurts.  

Then on the flip side it makes you wonder, who you have left out or hurt feelings without even knowing?  See this is why I did NOT have a baby shower, I didn't have to worry about leaving anyone out.  

Lesson learned:  Always be nice and include everyone.  

(good thing I can throw a pity party all by myself, what a baby I can be.)