The amount of stress and emotions I have poured in the the stocking situation is crazy.
Since Charlee has joined our family our Christmas stockings no longer match. It is her third Christmas now and I so want us to have matching stockings.
First of all I am extremely picky about my holiday decorations. I do not have a lot and I don't want it lot. I have to LOVE every decoration. If I don't feel it, its gone. The less is more rings true with the holidays. And the majority of my Christmas is blue, silver and white. Snowmen & snowflakes are my decoration of choice, not Santa or elves.
Things factors go into my stocking selection. The last two years I have been on a constant search for stocking that I LOVE the style, fabric, style and color.
Of course I have came across a few that would work. So I grab them, one, two, three and then I pause. Do I grab a 4th? Do I get the more famine one to match mine or Charlee's? Do I get one to match Karst's. Do I stop at 3 or get 4?
Anxiety and tears have set in. What if I get the 4th now and nothing happens and every year I get to stare at a maybe stocking?
My anxiety is about the lack of control about our family. I don't know when or if we will be a family of 4 or if we will be a family of 3. Most of the time it isn't an issue, and I can deal with it.
However when it comes to stocking buying it hits me in the face. I don't want to buy new stockings every couple of years. I want my kid(s) to grow up having one stocking tied to their holiday memories. I know it is weird and should not matter, but to me it does.
So if I only buy 3 now and then in 2 years we need another and the same style or color is gone?
It isn't really about stockings, its about lack of control.
In my heart I desperately seek to have some sort of control over my own family. When and how we bring children into our home. This is a hope, for something I will never have. A hope I need to let go of.
I will try to figure out my emotions and let go of what I can't change. I need to find some fun stockings and get on with my christmas and my life!