6 Truths My Fertile Friends Taught Me about Infertility

When I was first thrown into the category “infertile” I felt overwhelmed with grief and pain.  I thought about my friends who had kids and assumed they had no idea about my pain. I choose to feel isolated.

Opening up about infertility to my friends who are in the different phases of life I have learned valuble truths about woman.  Below is an example of what 6 out of a couple dozen have taught me.

1.  My friend Stormy,who had just lost her mother and was now facing life at 30 without any parents sent me a message about supporting and loving others around us, no matter the situation it opened my eyes that others around me were grieving and suffering. Don’t have a pity party  alone, others are grieving also, find them. Love them. I will always be grateful for her wise words.
2.  In a conversation with my friend, Elizabeth who had 6 kids, (of course I was jealous), she just mentioned “really, you never have to worry about being pregnant? Oh wow, that would be fabulous.” It was then that I realized that fertility could be a double edge sword.  The brief conversation changed my thoughts about timing.  I gained sympathy for others, who were blessed with children that came in a time not planned, and might have been overwhelming.
3. While talking with my single friend Christie, who shared with me that when she does find someone she wants to spend her life with, baring children will no longer be an option. Many have missed opportunities and they have to let go of their family dream.  We cried together about what will never be. My sympathy grew for those who had lost the opportunity to bare children.
4.  My friend Kim, shared with me her struggle with choosing to have a hysterectomy, at the age of 26, although she had 3 boys who she loved. Having so many girl problems, it was recommended by her doctor, to have the procedure.   She had second thoughts and struggles, but knew it was best for her health and well being. I realized many have to close the door on fertility, even though they are still young.   Years later, in a new marriage I have watched her find her way through adoption, a very rough road for her.  It is heartbreaking watching a good mother, fight so hard for children to bring into her home.
5. What really opened my eyes, about the truth every woman faces their own fertility, was in talking to my friend Becky, she had 4 children, they were older, she was older and now going through that hmm “change.”  She shared with me her unexpected grief and sorrow in letting go of that part of herself. I recognized the grief of getting older.  Now I watch her trying to support and help her daughter go through IVF, to start her own family.  She feels helpless watching her daughter go through this, and wants to help her daughter find some peace in her life.

In talking with these ladies and several others, (mostly who were sitting in my salon chair).  I have come to know that somehow in growing up and preparing for this prime time of my life, with birth control conversations, and pregnancy discussions, family planning advice, no one said, the truth, 

#6 YOU NEVER HAVE CONTROL OVER FERTILITY.” 

 Every woman has a point in her life that she feels the grief of this.  No matter the circumstances, our own choice, age, body failing or the many other reasons, every woman feels a lack of control over something so important. 

I no longer categorize myself as an infertile woman.  I categorize myself as a woman, who has already discovered the truth about fertility. I decide how much I will hold onto the hurt.  How much I will reach out to other woman and talk to them about this truth.  I am always a better person listening to someone else share with me their journey of motherhood, and very grateful we do not have to find these truths on our own.

Stocking Delima

The amount of stress and emotions I have poured in the the stocking situation is crazy.

Since Charlee has joined our family our Christmas stockings no longer match.  It is her third Christmas now and I so want us to have matching stockings.

First of all I am extremely picky about my holiday decorations.  I do not have a lot and I don't want it lot.  I have to LOVE every decoration.  If I don't feel it, its gone.  The less is more rings true with the holidays.  And the majority of my Christmas is blue, silver and white.  Snowmen & snowflakes are my decoration of choice, not Santa or elves.

Things factors go into my stocking selection.  The last two years I have been on a constant search for stocking that I LOVE the style, fabric, style and color.  

Of course I have came across a few that would work.  So I grab them, one, two, three and then I pause.  Do I grab a 4th?  Do I get the more famine one to match mine or Charlee's?  Do I get one to match Karst's.  Do I stop at 3 or get 4?

Anxiety and tears have set in.  What if I get the 4th now and nothing happens and every year I get to stare at a maybe stocking?

My anxiety is about the lack of control about our family.  I don't know when or if we will be a family of 4 or if we will be a family of 3.  Most of the time it isn't an issue, and I can deal with it.  

However when it comes to stocking buying it hits me in the face.  I don't want to buy new stockings every couple of years.  I want my kid(s) to grow up having one stocking tied to their holiday memories. I know it is weird and should not matter, but to me it does.

So if I only buy 3 now and then in 2 years we need another and the same style or color is gone?

It isn't really about stockings, its about lack of control. 

In my heart I desperately seek to have some sort of control over my own family.  When and how we bring children into our home.  This is a hope, for something I will never have.  A hope I need to let go of.

I will try to figure out my emotions and let go of what I can't change.  I need to find some fun stockings and get on with my christmas and my life!  

The journey we are on

I was ready for the trip. I had planned. I had researched. I had picked my travel partner. I was packed. I thought I could get us there all by myself.

All my planning did not pay off, you can not plan for the unknown. I could see the road, but I was missing something, a big something . . . the key, to even start. For years I tried to find the key, not wanting to admit that I didn't have it, I couldn't get it nothing was going according to the plan, we were not going to get to our destination, we could not get on the road.

I blamed myself for not getting my husband where he wanted to be. All my praying, wanting, trying, and planning, and still I did not have the key, he couldn't go on this trip, he was missing out on the experience. That was my job, I was his travel partner, that was all part of the deal.  He had done his part, got the car, got the gas, made sure we had what we needed.  

Family and friends whizzed by waving smiling, sharing with us about their trip, some even blogged about it, letting us know that their trip was everything they wanted. Telling us to just keep looking, we'd find our key.  

We had a choice, we could run back to our safe lifestyle, we could unpack and plan another trip, find a new destination, a new desire. But it was too late the desire to go was too great we did not feel there was another destination for us, we knew we wanted this experience.

We put out SOS signal, put on our flashers, radioed for help and called everyone we knew. We talked to strangers about our needs. Met with a few locksmiths.  We took lots of chances, tried to get attention to see if someone could help us. And we waited, and waited to see if our calls for help were heard.

She appeared off in the distance, we could not tell if she was really there, we didn't know if she could help us. We knew she had a key, almost like the one we were missing. She offered to help us to get on the road, we were hopeful, it felt good it could work, but the fear was still there.  What if it was just a detour that would get us to a dead end?

As we got to know her, we realized she wanted to get to be on the same road we did; she had the key and we had ways to continue the journey. It felt like a good match, it felt right. We had to trust her; we had to let go of the fear.

It would have been tough but she could have done it by herself, but for her this journey was not about herself. Knowing in her heart she was not as ready as she wanted to attempt the journey. She was sad to discover she could not do. She did not have all the right parts and pieces by herself.

That is why she stopped to help, to see if we could help each other. She had to take the first step.  She took a chance, put out her hand and offered to help us reach our destination. thought.

Once she was at on ramp, the smelly, smiling, wobbling, gates to motherhood, she turned to us and gave us her key. Only one of us could have the key to get on the road, and she let me. She let my husband. She gave up the mommy experience, so I could be a mommy. She wanted her key to have the journey she could not do herself.  She might not be on the exact road we are on, but she knows what is going on.  Her road to motherhood took a little detour, but she is still a part of the journey.  She is still part of the journey, she allowed us to take.

Don't Complain Here

I was blog hopping and came across this post:

what not to say to birth parents

This is Andee's blog, a birth mother who placed her baby for adoption a little over a year ago.

One of her points was this:

4. If you are married, pregnant and parenting this baby, do NOT complain to a birthmother OR an infertile couple, about your pregnancy.

(I want to add do not complain about being a mom either.)

This really hit my heart, and I felt the tears running down my face.

I hope I can explain all the feelings I have had about this.

What a lot of people don't understand is that for the birth parents and the adoptive parents there is a loss, a true grief about the situation.

Since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mother,,

I wondered about being pregnant about experiencing the birth of my baby.

When I got married I thought about sharing that experience with my husband.

I hoped our babies would have his blue eyes and his cute smile.

You know, all of those dreams you accumulate over the years.

Along the road, we had to bury these dreams;

we had to let go of the expectation our children would be born to us.

This is where the loss and the grieving comes in for adoptive families.

We have to give up a lot of control and accept what we cannot control.

We don't know when or if we will get to be parents.

In talking to many birth parents, over the last 3 years,

I have learned they also have to let go of the dream of being the mother.

They have to morn the loss of being with the baby every day, of being the caretaker.

There loss is HUGE, their loss is a piece of their heart.

Because of the love they have for their child they are able to look past their own hurt

to find what is best for the baby. They are a true parent in every way.

A Birth parent chooses what is the best for their baby, even if it causes them lots of pain.

Sure there have been times when I said, are you kidding?

Charlee just did what

and now I have to stop what I am doing or what I wanted to do to take care of something.

But guess what?

I am always grateful for these moments,

because it reminds me I am her mom,

I get to do this.

I had to let go of the dream of being a mother for awhile,

not knowing if the chance would ever come a long.

So everytime I get the chance, I love it.

I do not take it lightly;

I cherish it because I know this opportunity is a miracle.

One of my friends, Joni,

placed her son for adoption 9 years ago.

She has since married and now has a son that is almost 2 years old.

As a birth mother, someone who suffered the loss of motherhood,

now that she has the chance.

she cherishes it and does anything and everything for her son.

I have never heard her complain about the hard days.

This is true with the adoptive mother and birth mothers.

They have a deeper respect for motherhood,

because they know it comes at a price,

it isn't a burden or a chore; it is an honor

to be able to be a parent.

I know most mom's out there really do respect motherhood,

I am just trying to help you understand

why this is a sensitive subject for us involved in adoption and infertility.

So if you feel like your pregnancy is uncomfortable,

or harder than it should be.

Or if you feel like your children are cramping your style,

or in the way of your goals and slowing you down,

find someone else to complain to.

You will not find any sympathy from us,

we know too many people who would gladly trade you places.

Infertility was an answer to my prayers

No.  I am not kidding or being sarcastic.  This last week I have realized that the I-monster has been more of a blessing than a curse.

When we were first married we both agreed that we weren't ready for kids and we wanted to make sure we were ready before we started down that road.  The other night I was holding Charlee while she was sleeping and studying her beautiful face and her hands.  She is getting so big every day and I can't stop it or slow it down, I was sad when I realized she was already over 6 months old and those newborn days would never be back.  I know it is too soon to be saying that and I am only at the beginning.  

But before I got really sad, I thought about how much I had treasured the days.  I thought about; the too many pictures I took, all the times I spent holding her the first six months, when I would wake up just to watch her sleep,  and I was relieved to see I did not have any regrets about how we had spent the first 6 months of being parents.

This was a great comfort to me, about 5 years ago when we started talking about having a family,  I was terrified.  The thought of being responsible for another life,  the realization of the responsibility was overwhelming.  Of course babies are fun and cute, but babies grow to be children and children grow to be teenagers and teenagers grow to be adults.  And that seems like a lot.  Honestly, I was terrified.

I was scared that I would not be able to deal with all the stress.  The last thing I ever wanted to do was to cause them unnecessary hurt.  These feelings were very real to me, and Karst was trying to be helpful and understanding, but he didn't have the answers.  So intense was this fear of being a parent that I went into therapy to deal with it.  ( This was before we really started "trying", when we were just talking about it.)

I am so grateful that I took that step,  Karst was skeptical at first but once he realized I was talking someone's ear off about this and dealing with it, he was relieved.  Of course we continued to talk to each other about this.  But having that outside voice of reason was what I needed.  It wasn't anything drastic or earth moving, I just dealt with the reasons for the fears and the issues and slowly I realized I really wanted the opportunity to be a parent.

Then if you fast forward to two years ago, when we got the official word that having biological children would not be possible and we were looking at our decisions.  It would have been easy at that point to just say okay, well it's a sign we shouldn't be parents.  If I still had those fears, it could have happened, but by that time I had a strong desire to be a mother to children to take on all that responsibility.

That times we went through; the trying, deciding, waiting and finding, that desire just grew.  I talked to a lot of moms, old and young I asked them every question I could think of.  I read books and both of us did what we could to prepare.  Those days were harder, they were darker, not all of them, but enough that the pain of the  I-monster was there.  Unknowns, and lack of control are not easy things to deal with.

Back to the other night, when I was marveling at how amazing Charlee is, and what an honor it is to be her mom, to be chosen to be her mom.  Tears over took me and I knew that if I didn't have the trial of infertility I would not treasure these moments the same.  I would have taken being a mother for granted, I would be a different mother,  I probably wouldn't be out of control with the camera.

I am not saying that infertile mothers are better or worse, I don't know how you could compare the two.  These are my feelings, about my experience. I am saying for me I needed more time to really prepare, I needed to fight and work hard to get my family so it wasn't something I took lightly.  My infertility forced me work through my fears and doubts about being a parent, and without it, I do not know if I would have realized how much I wanted to be a mother.

Another great blessing of infertility is it made me turn to my Heavenly Father more.  It made me lean on him and to exercise my faith.  It allowed me to see his hand in my life and to feel of his unconditional love for our family and Charlee's birth family.   

The bitterness of infertility is horrible, sometimes almost unbearable.  And now at the same time that has made the sweetness of being a mother better then I could have dreamed.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

We are so blessed, beyond our comprehension.

Mother vs. Woman with Children

I came across an ad campaign that was for "Woman with Children", not mothers.  

And now I am a little upset, why would someone who is a "mother" not want that title?  Why wouldn't you want to be a "Mother" why would you prefer "Woman with Children"?  Please enlighten me.

From my point of view, an infertile woman who never knew if I would get the chance to be mother, I want everyone to know I am a mother, it is one of the many hats I wear, along with Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend, Professional, Stylist, and Consumer.  Motherhood is a career, a duty, a lot of responsibility. So why would I ever want to hear it as something less.

"Woman with Children" sounds like an accessory, like "Woman with House", seriously.  My daughter is not an accessory she is my responsibility.  My daughter and future children are not in my life because I wanted to add to my portfolio, to make me appear successful or more well rounded or as a step on some ladder.

I choose to be a mother because I wanted the chance to teach my children, to learn from them.  I choose to be unselfish and to give tons of time for many years to help my children.  The time period between learning of my infertility and the placement of Charlee in my home, I had lots of time to think about being a mother and if this was something I wanted to become, not just something to check off the to do list.  It was something I desired from within, something I needed for me.

Being a mother is more than buying kids things, it is more than putting them to bed, and getting them to the right activities at the right time.  I wanted to have the experience of helping my children discover who they are,what they want to do and how I can help them get there.  I want to provide stability and to be a source of unwavering love and support.  Sure Charlee is only 5 months old, but that doesn't mean my life hasn't changed and I have taken this lightly.

So to you marketing/advertising people who want my dollar and want me to love your product and spread your word you better recognize me as a mother and a woman all wrapped up in one, but if you want to sell to "Women with Children" and not to "Mothers" I will take take my money elsewhere.

Our Openness in Our Adoption

Everyday I wake up to the noises of Charlee, and everyday I hit my knees thanking my Heavenly Father for the Elle and Kolby and for the love they have for Charlee.   

A birthparent is different then any other relationship you have.  This is my perspective and experience with our birth parents, every situation is different and every situation changes.

When Karst and I first started contact with Elle and Kolby, it was weird because we knew so little about them, yet they knew so much more about us.  It is like any other relationship, we started slow, trying to get aquatinted.  We tried to make sure we were being ourselves, by being honest about everything.  You have those natural boundaries because it is someone you don't really know, but at the same time you are talking to each other about really personal things.   It was us opening up and letting them see who we were but us respecting there space and privacy and not needing every little detail. 

There is no way to express the deep love in our hearts for them, not just because they placed Charlee in our home, but because of who they are as people. Throughout this expirence we have come to genuinely love and care about them.   A lot of who Charlee is and will become is because of them and who they are, we embrace them for this.  Although she is only 4 months old, you see parts of who she will become, and I want to share that with them.  It isn't about raising Charlee to be like us, or to be like them, it is raising Charlee to be true to herself, this will be a part she needs to be true to as well.

This isn't something we "have" to do, it is something we want to do.  Initially when we talked about the openness of this adoption we did not set anything in stone.  Elle said, "I just want what is best for my baby girl, if it gets too hard on her or she is acting out because of the openness we can take a step back."  We agreed, we needed to look at what is best for Charlee, and we proceeded slowly.

We were so fortunate that they allowed us to be at the hospital when she was born, it opened our eyes to how many people loved Elle and Kolby and how much they cared about little Charlee. Both Elle and Kolby's parents were there, siblings, friends, aunts and uncles.   It was amazing to watch them be excited for the new member of their family, but hard to see they also grieved for the loss of the family member at the same time.  When they would find out who we were they almost always told us to take good care of her.  We knew we were taking a piece of their heart with her.

We always expressed to them that we are so grateful, that we knew this was hard and that we are going to have an open relationship so Elle and Kolby would always know how she was doing.  We offered that same opportunity to their parents.  We exchanged information and I have been sending them pictures, letters and emails.  We even set up a private blog that is updated weekly so if they need to know more they have the opportunity.

Placing Charlee was the right choice for them, it isn't the right choice for everyone facing a crisis pregnancy.  Even though they knew it was what needed to happen for Charlee, it wasn't easy.  At placement, we took lots of pictures, even though it was a painful thing, so Charlee could see the love they had for her,  she can look at their eyes and see that it wasn't an easy decision, and it was made out of love.  The pictures say so much more then we could.

Since placement we have had lots of opportunities to visit and see Elle and her family.  Because Elle's parents know Karst's parents there is a level of trust already there.  This is Jane (Elle's mom) and Jan (Karst's mom).  So we have seen them frequently.  

I know this has helped us deal with different parts of the adoption, I hope it has also helped them.  Jane and Lane (Elle's dad) have been so good to me and Karst, they have filled our freezer with meat more than once.  They have really shared a lot with us.  We feel it is important that we build these relationships and bonds now so as Charlee grows up they are already there.  She will know who they are and not have to wonder or imagine about them.

Kolby has came and visited Charlee since placement and we were invited to his mom Pat's house a few months ago.  We get emails from both of them.  That is what they are comfortable with so we are good with it.  It is great getting to know them better.  We look forward to building this relationship with them.

We love Kolby, and are so excited that as a birth father he has chosen to stay part of Charlee's life.  In Wyoming birth fathers have to sign at placement.We know this would not have happened without him.  We know it has been a hard thing for him to deal with, but we are really grateful for this opportunity to build a relationship with him for Charlee.

It is natural as Elle and Kolby move through the different phases of life that they might not have the need to be so open with us.  We do understand and expect this to happen.  But our openness will still be there, whenever they need it.  This really is about Charlee and what we feel as her parents will be the best for her, if we start seeing unhealthy or dangerous things from the birth families we will have to pull back a little.  But isn't that how it is in all families?

In someways it is kind of like when you get married and you have your in-laws that you get to know and they become a part of your life.  Charlee just came with her own in-laws, and in H2K land we LOVE in-laws so it is great.

People have asked me if it is hard to stay in contact, if we don't just want to close the door and keep Charlee all to ourselves, that maybe we don't have to do so much.  Again we don't do this because we feel obligated, we do this probably a lot for ourselves.

After dealing with infertility and the loss that goes with it for so long.  When you see others hurting and feeling a loss you want to reach out and comfort them. I remember feeling so alone, scared and sad, and I realized then that those were things I felt then because our home was empty but it was only for a little while.  Birth families feel alone, scared, a loss and sadness but their's isn't only a little while, their's will always be there, sometimes stronger than others but still there a little.  If there is anything we can do to help them deal with it we want to help.

It is important to us that as Charlee grows up that she is always respectful about her birthfamilies, that she loves them for who they are and she knows how much they love and care about her.  She will know where she came from.  Of course they aren't perfect, neither are we, but that is the thing about love, it works best when it isn't perfect.

Seeing Elle and Charlee together makes my heart sing.  The last few month Elle hasn't been working as much so we have taken that opportunity for lots of visits, but she is getting busier, so they won't be as frequent.  There is something so right about it, I need to cultivate that.

Infertility- God's idea of a Practical Joke

**disclaimer: this is meant to be funny and not blasphemous, sometimes you don't get to make lemonade out of the lemons, you just get to laugh as you throw them.

One day I was talking to my friend about infertility, and trying to explain to her, someone who has never known the sting of infertility, and she said it sounds like God's idea of a Practical Joke.  And we laughed about it and moved on, but since then whenever those feelings from infertility come up I just laugh and think of it that way. ( I hope this makes sense,)

It is growing up waiting for the day when get to be pregnant.

It is having the feeling and the desire to be a parent, then having a doctor tell you it won't happen.

It is looking at your husband and hoping that your children have his eyes and crooked grin.

It is buying cases of pregnancy tests, but never seeing that second line.

It is buying baby things for other people but never buying things for the baby you don't know will ever come.

It is planning for years how you are going to tell your husband you are pregnant.

It is going in for your "annual" and walking out in tears because everyone in the waiting room is pregnant and you don't understand.

It is having people who don't know you or your situation tell you, too just relax and it will happen.

It is waiting until you and your husband are ready, to find out you've waisted money on birth control.

It is giving away all of your condoms to your newly married friends, and knowing you'll never have to make that purchase again.

It is going and buying things for your baby that is due in 2 weeks and buying tampons for yourself at the same time.

It is laughing outside, and wanting to kick there knees,  when you are sick and a co-worker asks if your pregnant.

It is family asking you what you are waiting for, you're not getting any younger.

It is your little sister assuming that your husband doesn't want kids.

It is hearing your birth mother in labor and being jealous that you will never know what she is feeling, and amazed that after going through that pain she loves that baby enough to place them in your arms.

Some parts of infertility are really kind of ironic, and funny.  Some parts are overwhelming and emotional and anyone who deals with this deals on a different level at different times.

But if infertility is the road that got us to Charlee and the price we had to pay to have her in our home, I am okay with God's Practical Joke.

Our Chosen Road

As many of you know Karsten and I were High School sweethearts. After dating for 18 months, and Karsten serving on his mission we were married almost 10 years ago.

10 years isn't that crazy!! We have perfected the art of keeping score, and I think I am ahead. Really it's been good, we have helped each other grow, (even when it hurt). We have had the fortune of achieving many goals and accomplishments.

However, over the last few years the goal of expanding our family has not been as easy to achieve as we had planned. This last year we went through the process of learning that we have less than a 3% chance of having biological children. This was hard to hear and brought about a lot of new feelings. Although this has not been easy, together we were able to deal with this. When you learn something like this, there is a grieving and realization processes. It was grieving the dreams of what will never be, and the realization of new dreams for our family, it just isn't going to be the way we thought.

After much fasting and prayer, we both knew that adoption was the road we would take to find our family. What a wonderful and amazing road this has been. I wish I had the time to share with you everything that I have learned. We have received the witness that adoption is an important part of our Heavenly Father's plan

and we are so grateful to be a part of it. It has been an amazing spiritual journey.

We contacted an agency and went through the home study processes. We attended classes, met many other families involved in adoption.  We had friends that had recently been through adoption and some that were in the middle, so we thought we knew a lot. But like most things in life, you can look at a path and see what it is, but not until you walk through it do you really know what it's about. 

 One surprising thing is how much adoption has changed even in just the last five years. Now the majority of adoptions are open, meaning you have the identification of the birth parents and they have your identification. The birth parents select the adoptive parents and generally there is exchange of letters, pictures, throughout the child's life. (Can you just imagine all the pictures I will get to share!!) However, the openness and communication between adoptive and birthparents is established by both parties and it often changes after time.

This is really exciting to us, because it takes the mystery and question out of the adoption process. The birthparents know how the child is growing and how the family is, no wondering or worrying. The adoptive parents are able to express their love and appreciation to the birth parents, they are able to share the milestones and joys as the child grows. The child doesn't create a fantasy about their family of origin. They know who their birth parents are and as questions come up, because the communication is established the child is given correct information. Another great benefit to open adoption is, as the child grows you have an accurate and up to date health history.

Open adoption doesn't not change the legality of adoption. The child will be ours, our responsibility, all the good and the bad is ours to deal with. There is risk of a failed adoption, and if that were to happen it would happen before the adoption became legal. That is were the agency plays a big part, their job is to minimize a failed adoption. Our agency offers counseling for the birth parent with support groups and classes. There are several birthmother panels, so we have had the opportunity to meet and talk to different birthparents.

We learned a little about who birth parents are and the processes they go through when placing their child with a family. Because they are picking the home for the child, they are not giving up, or giving away; they are placing the baby. They do not make this decision lightly, there is a lot of work and hard choices to make. Birthparents have to decide what is best for the child, it isn't a lack of love or because they don't want to be bothered. I mean can you imagine dealing with all the "blessings" of pregnancy such as morning sickness, hormones swollen feet and at the same time trying to find a family for the child. Plus try and live a somewhat normal life.  

When I think about birthparents and what they are able to do I am in awe. My hope is to one day have the unconditional love and willingness to sacrifice what I want most for what is best for someone else.

We plan on being very open with our children about how they joined our family. From the beginning they are going to grow up knowing they have parents and birth parents, that they have extra family that is there to love and support them. A genetic link doesn't give you that emotional attachment to a child or the child to the parent; it is the work and sacrifice, the late nights with earaches, teaching them how to write their name, all the things parents do for their children. Our children will know that even though they might not have come to our family like their friends or cousins, the only difference is the road we took to find them. In every way they will be a part of our lives and our family.

This is a great road that we have chosen and I know we could not be more excited to welcome a child to our home. We are so excited to have the opportunity to be a mommy and a daddy. I can't wait to walk in on Karsten sleeping on the couch with the baby sleeping on his chest. I can't wait to watch him dance with our little girl, or teaching our son how to tie knots and shoot a basket. I can't wait to read to them every night, to share some of my favorite stories and to help them discover their own desires and talents.

I can't wait to cut my little girls hair, (and no there will not be any perms in their hair.) How much fun it is going to be to do sugar cookies for all the holidays?

We don't have a preference of race or sex. Now with this crazy Internet thing, anyone living in the US can pick us from our profile that is on itsaboutlove.com. (check out our profile) There is not time frame given, some people wait 3 months and some wait 3 years to be picked. We have had a lot of practice with waiting. So we'll just keep waiting, and in the mean time we are trying to get the money together to pay for the adoption, and we'll gather the baby necessity's so when it happens we are as ready as we can be. Maybe that means we should sleep now.

So there you have it, now you know the road we are on. So if this didn't answer all your questions just let us know, we are more than happy to share what we have learned.

Sorry I have not quite figured out the picture thing on the blogger, so I couldn't get all my captions to work.

1:  Us going to my Prom

2:  Our Wedding Day

3: Me winning and Karsten trying to keep up

4: Karsten at New Fork

5: Me at the Bountiful Temple

6: Us and our friend Naomi at the adoption conference this summer

7: Karsten on his 50 mile backpack trip with the varsity scouts

8: Aleena who was adopted by Nate and Naomi this last year

9:  Me and my new nephew Luke

10: Nate, Naomi and Aleena, after the adoption was final and they were sealed

11: Ryan, Tonya, Jessica, Tyler and Cooper after their adoption was final and they were sealed.