Adoption Profile Video

Sewing with 5 Year Old

In the middle of the selling, and moving chaos we stopped to do a little sewing.  Charlee was so excited she got to use Grace (the name of my sewing machine). 

I love teaching her new things and watching her learn.  She is slow but percise.  She is more patient then me.

We measured and cut out the fabric for our project

Then we did the pinning. Because you have to learn the basics right.

Look at those big 5 year old girl hands practicing sewing straight. And that foot pushing in the pedal

We took it slow and steady she kept it on the right seem allowance.  It took a little over an hour.  Time well spent.

Charlee's first sewing project was a little pillow for her Birth Mom Elle, she was so excited to give it to her.  I messed up the finish edge, but Charlee's seams were perfect.

I am so glad I took a moment out of my craziness right now to do this.  Who knows maybe next time we'll attempt a pillow case.  Sorry we are not taking any orders right now, and will not be opening an Etsy shop . . . yet.

Love Watching this Open Adoption Work

 4 and a half years later, and it still happens.   Just for everyone who asks, so do you still talk to the birth mom.  Of course.  While she no longer lives as close, the visits are farther between, they still happen.

 We have tried to skype a few times, sometimes Charlee is into it and other times she wants to run and play, but when she can see Elle, she is eating up all the attention, and why not?
We look forward to the time we do get to spend with Elle, Charlee's understanding of who she is grows.  She loves her, admire's her and for the next week she talks about visiting with her birth mom.  We love spending time with Elle, catching up and having fun together.

After the the previous visit, Charlee and I were looking at pictures and she asked me "How come we just call her Elle and not birth mom?"

  I replied, "Sometimes we call her mommy Elle or tummy mommy."  Charlee then got very mad at me, and  told me 

"you can not tell me I am going to call Elle, it is my birth mom and you are not the boss of that."

I agreed and told her she would need to ask Elle what she wanted to be called.

During the visit when Elle and Charlee were alone, I asked Charlee to ask Elle her question.  Charlee was shy and wouldn't not bring up the subject, I asked Charlee if she was alright if I brought it up and she nodded.  I told Elle that "Charlee wants to know what she can call you?"

And because of how loving and kind Elle is, she said, "You can call me what ever you want." Charlee replied" I want to call you birth mom Elle."  So for the rest of the visit she said it about 80 times and every time she would smile.  In the car or in public Elle always responded to her and was great about it.  I was grateful Elle was so accommodating to Charlee, and that Charlee expressed a need.  I know in the future they will continue to work out their relationship, with or without me.

 There is something there that is more than a friend, or an Aunt or another family member.  For Charlee you can see her connect on a different level.  I love watching their bond grow.  I want her to know where she came from, I want her to embrace that.  I want to be sure these moments happen.

Adoption is a gift of love that is given to the child, the child has a chance to be in a stable, loving home and an open adoption allows for the child to share more love with the birth family and adoptive family.

This relationship is as easy and comfortable, because we have made it so from the beginning.  It feels normal, to us.

Adoption from the Other Side.

This last week I talked with a dear friend, who is also a birth mother, which placed her son about 5 years ago.  She shared with me the situation that led to her decision to place her son for adoption.

When Jody was 25 years old, living at home, she was not getting along with her mother, and when she was 4 months pregnant, she came home to her bedroom all boxed up.  Her mom had no idea she was pregnant.

Her boyfriend had no interest in being a parent.  Facing pregnancy, and trying to make a decision to parent or to place, she felt very much alone.  Once she made the decision to place, finding the right family for her son was really more then she could do, she asked her caseworker to find the family for her.

Her boss, and friend drove her to the hospital when she went into labor.  Her friends were there to help and support her, her parents were 2 time zones away when they got the call that she was having a baby.  She placed the child with the family and tried to move on in her life.

This didn't happen, all the emotions she had been avoiding, all the fears she hadn't faced hit her in the face and knocked her down.  She quit her job, she wasn't coping or dealing, she didn't know what to do.  Physically and emotionally she was hurting and in pain, she was alone.

About 6 months later,through a chain of circumstances she had to meet with her case worker again, the case worker offered to get pictures and a letter from the family.  The case worker was insistent that she should have this.  Jody reluctantly agreed and went back the next day.

She read a heartfelt letter from her sons adoptive mom, one that expressed her love and care for Jody and for her son.  The adoptive mom shared a spiritual experience she had, before her son was born.  One that let Jody know her son was in the right place.  She took the opportunity to express her love and appreciation to Jody.

This was what she needed.  It was a turning point for her, she was able to deal with all the emotions.  She got a job, started working on her life and has been able to move in the direction she wants her life to go.  However, she also shared with me that she has not got in contact with them or the agency for 2 years, she knows there are probably pictures and another letter at least waiting for her,  She can't bring herself to get find out and make that contact.

Those emotions and feelings were so strong when she placed that baby that she is afraid that opening that door will set her back.   I can empathized with that.  I don't know if the adoptive mom knew she was having a hard time when she wrote the letter, but it amazed me to learn how much that meant to Jody.

me and Charlee's birth mother Elle

I talked to her about the hurt and pain I as an adoptive mother have.  How hard it is to know that I get to be a mother because someone else forfeited their right and gave it to me.  I shared with her how overwhelming it can be at times to feel the responsibility of being a good parent for  your child but also to be the parent the birth family expected.

Although, I don't talk about it.  There was a lot of guilt and heartache.  Sharing this with her was good for my heart.  So many times I feel so unworthy of the tittle "mother".  I feel kind of like I cheated that I didn't follow all the rules to get the title.  But I couldn't follow the rules, if I followed the "normal" way to have a family I would be sitting at a big dead end waiting.  I don't take parenthood for granite, it is really a gift from stranger (then not now) gave to me.

It was nice to sit and talk and be honest with each other about these emotions.  Jody, was shocked to realize the guilt  on the adoptive side.  And I didn't realize on the birth parents side how much they need some communication from the adoptive family.  Even, though she didn't know she needed it or that it would help.

I have to admit that I too many times I fail at my communications with Charlee's birth family.  I think about it, I plan it but I don't always follow through.  Sometimes, I wait for them to request it or to show an interest.  This isn't right.  I shouldn't do this.  That isn't fair to them.  I need to give them the opportunity and if they want to open the envelope at least its there.

I don't know when, but I know there will be a time when Jody is ready to open that door to see new pictures of her son and learn about his life.  I pray the adoptive mother has left something there for her.

And for me the adoptive mother side, I know that the communication, information and pictures can help with healing.   It is hard to put into words how this works.  Its in the simplicity of forgetting ones sorrows, focusing and serving others that really does bring peace into our hearts.

Being able to share with her birth family, the day to day life, the little moments of her growing and learning, helps the feelings of guilt and heart ache.  It really is a blessing in my life to be able to share Charlee's life with those who gave her her life.

So, how long are you going to do the Open Adoption thing?

You would be surprised to know how often this question comes up.  And every time some one asks this I feel like I just got punched in the stomach.  I try to relax and realize  they don't fully understand that we choose open adoption because we want an open adoption.  The door is staying open.

Awhile ago, while doing a clients hair, who is an adult adoptee who has been reunited with her birth mother and has a relationship with her.  She said something that totally threw me for a loop.  While I was talking to another  friend, about a recent visit with Charlee's birth mom.  Out of the blue she just blurted out;

 "Why do you let her stay in your life?  She needs to just move on.  She made her choice, you let her have too much say in your lives.  It is just weird."

I was shocked, I was hurt, I was fighting the tears.  I cut her off, I told her that was not an option, we were going to continue to keep things open.  We love both Elle and Kolby.  We know this is right for us, for our family.  I explained that most of the visits we initiate.  I love watching Charlee with them, it was a good thing for us.  Elle and Kolby are not just Charlee's birth parents, they are a part of our family.

Well, we didn't see eye to eye on this and we dropped the subject.  A few months later, I learned more about this client really had some huge emotional issues.  I realized her comments were coming from her own hurt and unresolved issues.

From this I learned that some people, even those who adoption has touched their life, do not fully understand the benefits of an open adoption.   We all look at things from our own experience and perception, which is why educating others is such a big deal.  Also as an adoptive mother, with an open relationship with birth parents it is important that I am honest about the situation and also positive.  I would never want to paint a false picture, that it just happens.  Like any relationship it take time and work.  And also like any relationship it has enhanced our life.  And is worth the effort.

Before Charlee was born, when we would talk to Charlee's birth mother about the open adoption, neither of us knew how it would work or exactly what we needed.  Elle, being so wise and loving said, "I just want what is best for my baby", if visits work great, if they effect her then we can step back.  Of course we agreed on pictures, and emails. Since then, it has always been about what is best for Charlee.  I feel that as long as we all keep her needs and interests as a priority.  If we continue to love and respect each other and the boundaries that exist these relationships with Elle and Kolby will continue to grow and remain open.

Our family hearts open adoption!!

Loving Open Adoption!

My favorite sport is hockey.  It is such a fun, fast sport to watch.  I have shared with you here why I love it.  Karst totally knows how I feel about hockey, and we talked about inviting Elle and Kolby (Charlee's birth parents) with us to a game.   Even though it is B.S. (busy season), Karsten got me center rink, row 2 tickets, he got me 5 tickets.  Woo - hoo!  Charlee was going to see her first hockey game, I was going to see my first hockey game in 3 years.  We were going to be able to invite Elle and Kolby!  Great birthday present!!

Plans were made, days off were requested.  Rooms were reserved.  It was going to be fun.  The night did not disappoint.  Even though there was some car trouble and we started later then we thought, no worries.

We met up with Elle* and Kolby* later in the afternoon. After eating some delicious Italian food, where they witnessed for themselves Charlee's amazing baby radar system.  (She can spot a baby in any room faster then you can blink.)  They also watched us attempt to get her to eat, as well as entertain her while we tried to eat.

We made it to the game, in time to get her Grizzly press on tattoo, and cotton candy. 

(she liked the temp. tattoo more then the cotton candy.)

As a parent, one of the best things is watching your child experience something for the first time.  Watching their eyes light up, as they figure it out.

Watching their innocents and excitement for something you like is awesome.

We as adoptive parents, who never knew if these moments would happen, to us these moments are true blessings in our lives.

What made this "first time" even better?  

Watching her birth parents  share a first time with her.

The game was a bust, our team lost.  We still had tons of fun.  Charlee would follow the puck around the ice and when the ref would blow his whistle and put his arms out straight, Charlee would follow and put her arms out straight.

As late as it was, and as long as the day had been Charlee was tired but did great.

 When I look at these pictures, I feel so much love for them.  I wish I had the words to express how amazing they are, how much they teach us,  and how much they mean to us.  They are not just Charlee's birth mom and birth dad, they are not just our friends, they are apart of our family.

Our Open Adoption situation works because everyone involved keeps Charlee's best interest in mind, and everyone respects each other for the unique individuals we are.  

*Elle and Kolby is their nicknames for the blog

The journey we are on

I was ready for the trip. I had planned. I had researched. I had picked my travel partner. I was packed. I thought I could get us there all by myself.

All my planning did not pay off, you can not plan for the unknown. I could see the road, but I was missing something, a big something . . . the key, to even start. For years I tried to find the key, not wanting to admit that I didn't have it, I couldn't get it nothing was going according to the plan, we were not going to get to our destination, we could not get on the road.

I blamed myself for not getting my husband where he wanted to be. All my praying, wanting, trying, and planning, and still I did not have the key, he couldn't go on this trip, he was missing out on the experience. That was my job, I was his travel partner, that was all part of the deal.  He had done his part, got the car, got the gas, made sure we had what we needed.  

Family and friends whizzed by waving smiling, sharing with us about their trip, some even blogged about it, letting us know that their trip was everything they wanted. Telling us to just keep looking, we'd find our key.  

We had a choice, we could run back to our safe lifestyle, we could unpack and plan another trip, find a new destination, a new desire. But it was too late the desire to go was too great we did not feel there was another destination for us, we knew we wanted this experience.

We put out SOS signal, put on our flashers, radioed for help and called everyone we knew. We talked to strangers about our needs. Met with a few locksmiths.  We took lots of chances, tried to get attention to see if someone could help us. And we waited, and waited to see if our calls for help were heard.

She appeared off in the distance, we could not tell if she was really there, we didn't know if she could help us. We knew she had a key, almost like the one we were missing. She offered to help us to get on the road, we were hopeful, it felt good it could work, but the fear was still there.  What if it was just a detour that would get us to a dead end?

As we got to know her, we realized she wanted to get to be on the same road we did; she had the key and we had ways to continue the journey. It felt like a good match, it felt right. We had to trust her; we had to let go of the fear.

It would have been tough but she could have done it by herself, but for her this journey was not about herself. Knowing in her heart she was not as ready as she wanted to attempt the journey. She was sad to discover she could not do. She did not have all the right parts and pieces by herself.

That is why she stopped to help, to see if we could help each other. She had to take the first step.  She took a chance, put out her hand and offered to help us reach our destination. thought.

Once she was at on ramp, the smelly, smiling, wobbling, gates to motherhood, she turned to us and gave us her key. Only one of us could have the key to get on the road, and she let me. She let my husband. She gave up the mommy experience, so I could be a mommy. She wanted her key to have the journey she could not do herself.  She might not be on the exact road we are on, but she knows what is going on.  Her road to motherhood took a little detour, but she is still a part of the journey.  She is still part of the journey, she allowed us to take.

Thanks

Our eyes are full and our hearts are over flowing,

as we think about those hard days

when you changed all of our lives,

with your decision to give your daughter

the best life you could.

We will never forget

and we'll make sure she always knows

her happiness was more important

than your pain.

It would not have happened if you did not love her

as much as you do.

We can't wait to celebrate her first year with you.

All the details . . .

Finally, the pictures and the details of everything becoming official. Okay, before you read or scroll down any further you better go to the bathroom, kiss your kiddos good-night, grab a nice cold glass of water and maybe a tissue. I am not kidding, there is almost 150 pictures here. (you know I am very crazy about pictures.)

Now are you ready? Where we live, the law is Charlee had to be in our home for 6 months, before we could finalize. Charlee was placed in our home November 5th, we were in court on May 5th, at 8:00 a.m.

Finalization

The adoption has to be finalized before we can have her sealed to us in the temple, and before she can get a blessing. After much thought we decided to do the sealing in Manti, where we were married almost eleven years ago. We were able to get the same sealing room we had before. Here is what happened that day.

The week before was crazy busy trying to get everything ready, thanks to our helpful friends who loaded there cars and helped with the preparations it took a lot of the stress off. It was going to be a day of celebrating, a day to be grateful, a day to recognize the miracles.

Charlee woke up all happy, like always, and we started getting ready to head out the door.

Charlee played on the floor waiting for us to get ready, she stayed in her pajamas,

to keep her cool for the 3 hour drive.

Here we are, our family has officially grown!!

Many of our friends and families drove long distances to share the day with us and to witness the sealing. It was amazing to be back in the Manit Temple, we were just taking it all in. We knew we were there because of the sacrifice of Charlee's birth families, we were there because of our desire to have a forever family, we were there because of angels watching out for us.

As I sat in the bride's room waiting for our turn, I watched the newly married brides worry about the smallest things, like their hair, their bouquet, and that everything was perfect. I just stayed quite and laughed to myself. I wanted to tell them it was not going to matter, in 2 years they would not even remember, the piece of hair that wasn't perfect. I wanted to tell them to hold on and get ready for married life, because it is not always pretty flowers, and everything going perfect. They might have a wonderful life all planned out, but there was so little they had control over. I really wanted to tell them, why I was there, what I was doing that day. That even though things will not work out like you think, they will work out better then they could even imagine, if they are diligent with their desires in righteousness. But instead of pouring out all my wisdom, my thoughts turned to Charlee and the amazing person she is, how beautiful she is and how much joy she had brought into our home. So I had a good cry while I was waiting, tears of happiness, tears of relief, and tears of gratitude.

Our time finally came, we watched as all of our friends and family came into the Sealing room. You could feel the spirit, the love and the peace that you only feel in the temple. It was a sacred day. Our Sealer, shared many things with us about Eternal Families and why they are important and then a temple worker brought in Charlee, in her beautiful, eyelet and ribbon dress, with her hair in pigtails with white bows. She really is an angel on earth. She looked around at everyone before she looked at me and Karst, she was very calm and peaceful. The Sealer performed the ceremony, and just like that, we were an Eternal Family, she will have all the blessings as if she had been born to us. There were lots of tears being shed. We hugged everyone who came to share the day with us, we held Charlee close to us.

On the way down to Manti, we talked about our journey to have a family, we talked about all we did, and Karst said, "This never would have happened without Elle and Kolby, they are the ones who have paid the price, it is because of their love of Charlee that we get this experience." We are humbled they choose us to be Charlee's parents. We thought about them often throughout the day. We are so grateful Elle and her family was able to join us to celebrate.

After the sealing was done, we went outside and took so many pictures. These are a few of the pictures Kim Orlandini took for us. She did an amazing job. I could stare at the pictures all day.

And what a saint she is, coming all the way down to Manti,

seven months pregnant taking pictures in the heat,

on the hill with us non photogenic people.

She has been a blessing in our lives in so many ways.

Here we are with Elle. She really is an amazing person. I am a mother, because of her.

I don't know how to put in words how important she is to us and how much we love and care about her.

Can you see why Charlee is so beautiful, she gets it from her birth mother.

How wonderful that she came to share the day with us.

Okay, enough talking, more pictures.

These are candid shots my sister Ashlynn took for me of everyone.

Here we are waiting for everyone to gather.

I know this picture looks odd, but if you look at the people, there is my sister Rebecca and her husband Dan, my sister Ashlynn, my parents, Karst's parents and our friends the Geddes's all coming out of the temple. It was such a great thing to have them there with us.
This guy is Steve, he has been a good friend of Karst's for fifteen years, he has also become one of my closest friends. We actually bought our house with him and he lived with us for 3 years, until then he got married and moved far away.

The girl holding Charlee is Veronica, her sisters Cassie and Mary are beside her. About 7 years ago Karst taught her in Sunday School and he came home one day from church and said if we could have a daughter like Veronica he would be okay with us having kids. She is so much fun and a very talented dancer.
This is Pat and Becky, Pat and Karst went to High School together and they have remained good friends, they have two little girls. Then there is Steve and his wife Tammy they have two boys. How lucky we are to have such long term friends.

Here is some more group shots of our friends and family that drove all the way to Manti

just to see Charlee, and maybe us.

These are my parents, and my younger sister Rebecca.

Here is Ellee, her parents Jane and Lane, her brothers Martin

and L. J. (he is hiding beind his mom but you can see his arm).

More pictures of Charlee and Elle.

Knowing that we would be taking lots of pictures at the temple, we sent all of our friends and family to the Old City Hall to enjoy some lunch. And we joined them later.

We had gone there earlier to set it up, and my dear friend Christie stayed and got everything ready, and she had everything perfect. My friend Gaye helped a lot with the decorations, and her husband Randy and son Justin did a lot of the heavy duty work.

We could not have had such a wonderful day without their help.

This room was the old Social Hall that had recently been restored,

I was so happy I found this place.

Since I had a few pictures of Charlee over the last seven months,

we used them as center pieces on the table, with buttons and daises for confetti.

My friend Becky (picture further down), made me this family hanging for my birthday. I love it, and the picture of us was our Christmas present from Santa.

One of my all time favorite things was these m&m's my sister Rebecca and my mom got for the day. Some had pictures of Charlee on them and some had the date. Too priceless!

Many people brought salads to share, and we also enjoyed meat and cheese trays, on the warm afternoon. But I think the best part was the fresh made donuts we got next door at the local diner. They were perfect!!

Cute Pat & Becky again.

This is my talented friend Becky (who made the family sign) and her husband Dave,

they are some of the funniest people I know.

Its time to eat. I like looking at these pictures because we weren't there

so I can see what was really going on.

On the left is my sister in law Jenn who was just married to Karst's brother Tommy, then there is Randy, in the back, the strong man who went up and down the narrow flight of stairs with heavy boxes, then my sister in law Celeste and her husband, Karst's brother, Brad.

This is Uncle Tom, he is the one that made the beautiful quilt that is on our bed,

he has always been so supportive and helpful throughout our marriage,

we were so glad he was able to make it.

The food line up, don't worry Christie had it so organized they just flew through

and there was not a lot of waiting.

On the left is Karst's brother Brian, then on the far right is Karst's youngest brother Tommy with his son Jaxon and his wife Jenn, we were so happy they were there to share the day with us.

Here is my mother, Shannon and again my sister Rebecca

(remember my other sister Ashlynn has the camera,

so she got a picture of them every chance she could)

These three little cuties are my nieces, Brad's daughters, Katie, Cora and Serah.

Okay, not a good picture, but the two that have their back to the camera are Kris and his wife Karee, they have a little boy that was born just 2 months after Charlee.

One woman who made another woman a mother,

Ell and I, when we finally arrived at the luncheon.

Totally unplanned but we both wore our pearl bracelets.

What can I say, great minds think a lot.

On the left we have Jan, Kart's mom, and next to her is Jane, Elle's mom. These two have been friends for many many years, Elle found out about Karst and I because in November of 2007 Jan told Jane we were wanting to adopt. Miracles! (gives me chills)

Charlee's daddy,

Karst.

Rebecca & Charlee,

I think someone needed a nap??

Now I am sure you recognize Rebecca and my mom,

here they are with Charlee and their husbands, Dan and my dad.

Look at her cute bracelet, almost as cute as her hair ribbons.

She is so good at always finding something to play with and eat,

even if someone else is wearing it.

This is Alan Stoddard, from our bishopric, he came with his family to share the day with us and since he was there, Karst was able to give Charlee a Name and a Blessing.

L. J is the on on the left, he is also the one who made Charlee's crib.

Me, my sister Ashlynn (who was taking pictures for me)

and you know the one in the pink by now, Rebecca.

Our good friends, neighbors, strong and talented, Randy & Gaye.

Karst's brother Tommy and Charlee.

And since I am showing a lot of pictures of a lot of people who don't like their pictures taken,

I thought I would let you see this unflattering picture of me.

Good friends, good times!!

Again, Tommy and Jenn, next to them on the right is

Karst's Grandparents, Robert and Myrtle.

She finally got her nap when she was sitting with Karst's dad Rich

and his Grandma.

It is the end, and Ashlynn is done, the heels are off.

We finally sat down and ate, see another great picture of us.

In no time Charlee was back awake and ready to play with everyone.

Here she is with Justin, Gaye's son,Charlee's first dance.

So while everyone else was cleaning up, and packing up.

I needed to get more pictures of Charlee in her dress, I couldn't get enough.

Love it when she laughs and holds her foot.

I could not take it any more, I got on the floor and played with her.

She is such a happy fun baby.

As we were leaving I had to get more pictures.

This is the building, we were on the top floor.

Amazingly restored just 4 years ago.

Here is Justin and his crazy mom Gaye,

even though it was getting late they didn't want to leave.

There it is Manti in the back as we were leaving,

if you look close you can see the temple on the hill.

This is were I show some of my crazy. The next day was Sunday, so I put Charlee back in her dress for church and then that night when it was time for her bath I had quite the emotional break down, I did not want to take the dress off her. I did not want the days or the experience end. It seemed I had waited for so many years to put my baby daughter in a white dress and then I had to take it off, never knowing if I would get the chance to do this again with another child. I got out my camera and took more pictures to try and help hold the memories of the amazing day.

I love this picture of these two.

Seeing them together is one of my favorite parts of being a mother.

Another crying spell as I unbuttoned the dress.

We kept the bows in for awhile.

She was done, time for bed, didn't want to be on her stomach, either.

Just like all things you wait for, you blink and the day is gone. This was an amazing experience, a day of celebration, a day to feel the love from Heaven and to have such a strong spiritual feeling all day. Even if I had not taken too many pictures, we will never forget,

when Charlee became our daughter forever.

The pain, bitterness and hurt that was there all those years from infertility, has been healed. The hope, the dream, the desire to be parents and have an eternal family all came to really be. And through all our tomorrows yet to come we will never forget the paths that brought us together and the hands that worked to make it happen. I can't wait for Charlee to be old enough for us to share all this with her.