Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Don't Complain Here

I was blog hopping and came across this post:
This is Andee's blog, a birth mother who placed her baby for adoption a little over a year ago.

One of her points was this:
4. If you are married, pregnant and parenting this baby, do NOT complain to a birthmother OR an infertile couple, about your pregnancy.
(I want to add do not complain about being a mom either.)

This really hit my heart, and I felt the tears running down my face.
I hope I can explain all the feelings I have had about this.

What a lot of people don't understand is that for the birth parents and the adoptive parents there is a loss, a true grief about the situation.

Since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mother,,
I wondered about being pregnant about experiencing the birth of my baby.
When I got married I thought about sharing that experience with my husband.
I hoped our babies would have his blue eyes and his cute smile.
You know, all of those dreams you accumulate over the years.

Along the road, we had to bury these dreams;
we had to let go of the expectation our children would be born to us.
This is where the loss and the grieving comes in for adoptive families.
We have to give up a lot of control and accept what we cannot control.
We don't know when or if we will get to be parents.

In talking to many birth parents, over the last 3 years,
I have learned they also have to let go of the dream of being the mother.
They have to morn the loss of being with the baby every day, of being the caretaker.
There loss is HUGE, their loss is a piece of their heart.

Because of the love they have for their child they are able to look past their own hurt
to find what is best for the baby. They are a true parent in every way.
A Birth parent chooses what is the best for their baby, even if it causes them lots of pain.

Sure there have been times when I said, are you kidding?
Charlee just did what
and now I have to stop what I am doing or what I wanted to do to take care of something.
But guess what?
I am always grateful for these moments,
because it reminds me I am her mom,
I get to do this.

I had to let go of the dream of being a mother for awhile,
not knowing if the chance would ever come a long.
So everytime I get the chance, I love it.
I do not take it lightly;
I cherish it because I know this opportunity is a miracle.

One of my friends, Joni,
placed her son for adoption 9 years ago.
She has since married and now has a son that is almost 2 years old.
As a birth mother, someone who suffered the loss of motherhood,
now that she has the chance.
she cherishes it and does anything and everything for her son.
I have never heard her complain about the hard days.

This is true with the adoptive mother and birth mothers.
They have a deeper respect for motherhood,
because they know it comes at a price,
it isn't a burden or a chore; it is an honor
to be able to be a parent.

I know most mom's out there really do respect motherhood,
I am just trying to help you understand
why this is a sensitive subject for us involved in adoption and infertility.

So if you feel like your pregnancy is uncomfortable,
or harder than it should be.
Or if you feel like your children are cramping your style,
or in the way of your goals and slowing you down,
find someone else to complain to.

You will not find any sympathy from us,
we know too many people who would gladly trade you places.


Sarah said...

Beautiful post, Kim...and so true. I'm so glad that such a wonderful person like you gets to be a mom to that sweet little Charlee! keep up the great work!

Stormy said...

The message I take away from this post is that it is so important that we all respect each other, our feelings, and experiences. We experience the ups and downs of our own realities--whatever they may be.

While I don't pretend to know what it's like to adopt or have fertility problems, I do know what it's like to be hospitalized half of a pregnancy and what it's like to vomit 45 times a day and sleep with an IV pole next to my bed with a pic line coming out of my arm and connected to my heart for six months straight. I can completely understand how one would say: "just be grateful you are pregnant." Even if the pregnant person suffering feels like she has nothing left to give or worries she won't make it through or feels like the most inadequate mother because she's not sure her baby is getting everything she needs because she vomits everything and can't help the situation.

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on just as we all need a shoulder to share and rejoice with our triumphs and the good times. It comes down to being sensitive while respecting each others' experiences and the differing roller coaster we're all on. One of the biggest lessons in life for me has been and still is to learn to offer support and love to those around me no matter what they are going through. The Savior offered the greatest example of this: unconditional love.

I appreciate that everyone has been dealt a different deck of cards because it helps me to learn lessons through them that I otherwise wouldn't have learned from my own life. That's not saying I completely understand others' struggles or triumphs but I do appreciate them and respect them.

Thanks, Kim for sharing. I liked reading this because it reminds me of the battles you have faced and how sacred they are and how sacred mine are too (i.e., becoming an orphan at such a young age). It helps me to remember to always be sensitive and supportive even when I don't relate or don't completely understand. And most of all it reminds me of how pleased we all should be with the progress we've made through the different types of adversity we have all faced and will continue to face in this life.

TomandSteph said...

Amen, Sister! I loved this post and I really loved the original too. Also, I loved your comment on the original post that it is not the problem of complaining about pregnancy, motherhood, etc, it is the problem of who you are complaining to. We don't really want to hear it. Finding someone who is not so sensitive to the issue is a perfect solution for the situation.


You are right we need to respect and be sensitive to others, feelings, we all have different trial and experiences that change our point of view. And I loved what you said about the progress we have made through adversity. We can never show too much love and support!!

The May Family said...

True That.... True That! I couldn't of said it better myself. And Thanks for the compliment, and by the way, you are totally right in saying that being a mommy is the GREATEST honor I have ever had in my life and I would not change it for anything. You made me cry by the way, you really have a way with words and you really kind of said it, exactly how it is. Thanks for the post.

Ron and Jessica said...

So true. Pregnancy complaints get no ears at our house. Thanks for sharing!